Walking with DD#4 the other day, I went to grasp her hand while crossing a parking lot. In that moment, I realized how she no longer has "little girl" hands and that she is no longer my "little girl", that she's 9-1/2 years old and that she is growing up. I'm not sure I'm ready for that.
I think I'm going to miss the "little girl" stage of my kids' development the most. This is when it's still okay to hold Mom's hand, bedtime snuggles are required (to ward off bad dreams), and they're not embarrassed to hug and/or kiss Mom in public. They start showing some independence... but still need Mom nearby "just in case." Where they can't wait to tell you everything they did during the day and are proud to read a bedtime story to you, instead of just letting you read to them. The only clothing battles are when they want to wear capri pants when it's snowing outside or when they insist on wearing the same pair of black leather "motorcycle" boots every day, no matter how warm outside. (Our current battle - lol.)
The next stage, where DD#3 is securely ensconced, is "pre-teen girl". It's a source of mood swings, eye rolls if Mom even tries to hold their hand, battles over why I refuse to buy her ripped jeans or tops with skinny spaghetti straps (because they won't pass the school's dress codes), or how it's the *end of the world* because I still won't let my almost 12 year old have a Facebook account even though "EVERYONE ELSE at school has one."
Oh, don't get me wrong. This stage still needs Mom but mainly it's because she needs help with her unruly wavy hair or she needs a ride to after-school activities or a shoulder to cry on when she's feeling left out because two of her friends hung out without her. But it's not as needy as the "little girl" stage.
This is the stage where independence starts showing up. I mean, it's not as bad as "teen girl" stage, where you really have to learn to pick your battles, nor as bad as "young adult woman" stage (DD#1 and #2 are here), where you bite your tongue, hope that you raised them right and that they'll use the moral compass you helped them develop to make the right choices. And if they don't? Well, you have to be there, NOT say "I told you so!", help them pick up the pieces and muddle through. However, no matter how much you want to, you can't be the one to "fix" their problems. They have to do the fixing by themselves.
And that, my friends, is the hardest part of parenting for me. Recognizing that, even though I will always see them as those tiny little bundles of joy and wonder brought home from the hospital all those years ago, they are independent young women. That they are now independent, capable, strong, smart, fierce young women. (And sitting in disbelief that I actually had something to do with that!)
In addition to dealing with the end of "little girl" years and DD#3's "pre-teen girl" issues, I also have DD#1 finishing up her second year of college and DD#2 her first year. DD#2 just returned from her first vacation with her boyfriend and his family (they're been dating almost 3 years now) and she's working full time for the summer. This weekend, DD#1 will be leaving to spend the entire summer with her bio-dad (my ex-husband) approx. 1,500 miles away.
In June, DD#3 & #4 will be away for a week of sleep-away summer camp. That will be the first time in a VERY long time that I'll be completely child-free (DD#2 will be working and spending every free moment with her boyfriend, while she contemplates transferring to a school halfway across the country, away from us and him.)
It'll be as close to an "empty nest" as I've had in the almost 20 years since I've become a parent. I'm not sure what to do. I mean, it'll be nice having time alone with DH (and the dog) but not having to make breakfasts or pack lunches for anyone other than us. Not having to play "Mom Taxi" for a week. It being okay if I don't want to cook dinner and, instead, have a bowl of oatmeal with a piece of fruit. While I'm thinking about it, what *do* people my age do, when they don't have kids under foot?
I'm sure I'm going to miss the chaos that is my normal, everyday life. I'm thinking that that particular week will be a sneak-peek of what my life will evolve into in about 9 years, when DD#4 starts college, DD#3 will be a senior in college, DD#2 and DD#1 will (hopefully) both be on their own and not living with Mom and Dad. (Yes, I know DD#1 is an art major and there's a pretty good chance that she may still be living with us. But let me just "go" with this one, okay? lol) We're in the single digit years until all this happens and that is a scary thought.
In the meantime, I'm going to check up on my sleeping little girls and my older girls, who are just hanging out and getting ready for sleep. Soon enough, I won't be able to do this with as much ease as today, when I can just walk down the hall to their rooms. I'm going to enjoy this while I can.
