Musings on Daughters Growing Up

Walking with DD#4 the other day, I went to grasp her hand while crossing a parking lot. In that moment, I realized how she no longer has "little girl" hands and that she is no longer my "little girl", that she's 9-1/2 years old and that she is growing up. I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

I think I'm going to miss the "little girl" stage of my kids' development the most. This is when it's still okay to hold Mom's hand, bedtime snuggles are required (to ward off bad dreams), and they're not embarrassed to hug and/or kiss Mom in public. They start showing some independence... but still need Mom nearby "just in case." Where they can't wait to tell you everything they did during the day and are proud to read a bedtime story to you, instead of just letting you read to them. The only clothing battles are when they want to wear capri pants when it's snowing outside or when they insist on wearing the same pair of black leather "motorcycle" boots every day, no matter how warm outside. (Our current battle - lol.)

The next stage, where DD#3 is securely ensconced, is "pre-teen girl". It's a source of mood swings, eye rolls if Mom even tries to hold their hand, battles over why I refuse to buy her ripped jeans or tops with skinny spaghetti straps (because they won't pass the school's dress codes), or how it's the *end of the world* because I still won't let my almost 12 year old have a Facebook account even though "EVERYONE ELSE at school has one."

Oh, don't get me wrong. This stage still needs Mom but mainly it's because she needs help with her unruly wavy hair or she needs a ride to after-school activities or a shoulder to cry on when she's feeling left out because two of her friends hung out without her. But it's not as needy as the "little girl" stage.

This is the stage where independence starts showing up. I mean, it's not as bad as "teen girl" stage, where you really have to learn to pick your battles, nor as bad as "young adult woman" stage (DD#1 and #2 are here), where you bite your tongue, hope that you raised them right and that they'll use the moral compass you helped them develop to make the right choices. And if they don't? Well, you have to be there, NOT say "I told you so!", help them pick up the pieces and muddle through. However, no matter how much you want to, you can't be the one to "fix" their problems. They have to do the fixing by themselves.

And that, my friends, is the hardest part of parenting for me. Recognizing that, even though I will always see them as those tiny little bundles of joy and wonder brought home from the hospital all those years ago, they are independent young women. That they are now independent, capable, strong, smart, fierce young women. (And sitting in disbelief that I actually had something to do with that!)

In addition to dealing with the end of "little girl" years and DD#3's "pre-teen girl" issues, I also have DD#1 finishing up her second year of college and DD#2 her first year. DD#2 just returned from her first vacation with her boyfriend and his family (they're been dating almost 3 years now) and she's working full time for the summer. This weekend, DD#1 will be leaving to spend the entire summer with her bio-dad (my ex-husband) approx. 1,500 miles away.

In June, DD#3 & #4 will be away for a week of sleep-away summer camp. That will be the first time in a VERY long time that I'll be completely child-free (DD#2 will be working and spending every free moment with her boyfriend, while she contemplates transferring to a school halfway across the country, away from us and him.)

It'll be as close to an "empty nest" as I've had in the almost 20 years since I've become a parent. I'm not sure what to do. I mean, it'll be nice having time alone with DH (and the dog) but not having to make breakfasts or pack lunches for anyone other than us. Not having to play "Mom Taxi" for a week. It being okay if I don't want to cook dinner and, instead, have a bowl of oatmeal with a piece of fruit. While I'm thinking about it, what *do* people my age do, when they don't have kids under foot?

I'm sure I'm going to miss the chaos that is my normal, everyday life. I'm thinking that that particular week will be a sneak-peek of what my life will evolve into in about 9 years, when DD#4 starts college, DD#3 will be a senior in college, DD#2 and DD#1 will (hopefully) both be on their own and not living with Mom and Dad. (Yes, I know DD#1 is an art major and there's a pretty good chance that she may still be living with us. But let me just "go" with this one, okay? lol) We're in the single digit years until all this happens and that is a scary thought.

In the meantime, I'm going to check up on my sleeping little girls and my older girls, who are just hanging out and getting ready for sleep. Soon enough, I won't be able to do this with as much ease as today, when I can just walk down the hall to their rooms. I'm going to enjoy this while I can.

Do They Sell "I Survived the Great College Move of 2013" T-Shirts?

Well, first up, I apologize for not updating the blog or Facebook for little while but we were doing something heartbreaking and wonderful... moving DD#1 to college.  I've spent the last month helping her pack, reviewing general "living on your own skills" (like making pasta, doing laundry properly, grocery shopping, etc.), buying tons of supplies (while I love the fact the room came "fully furnished", I really wish the dorm offered a meal plan - more on that later), and moving her 500 miles from home.

We just arrived back home this afternoon and I'm still amazed that it all happened so seamlessly.  The only "forgotten" thing was a corded telephone for her desk, in case they lose power and she can't use her cell phone, and that was fixed by a quick trip to Radio Shack.

So, let's recap the last 4 days...

Friday morning, up at regular time and get the youngest 2 off to school (DD#2 is capable of waking up and getting herself off to high school by herself.)  After getting the girls on the bus, DD#1 visited quickly with a couple of our neighbors while we started to load the car.  Rather than putting the mileage on my (very recently repaired) SUV, we decided to rent one for the trip.  Unfortunately it was a little smaller than mine and, naturally, not everything fit in the back or on the back seat with DD#1, so we had to improvise a bit.  All the groceries DD#1 purchased in advance of her trip (we figured it would be easier - and cheaper - to shop here at home instead of in NYC) were moved from the large storage tote box and moved to the reusable shopping bags I gave her for her use while at school.  Then we had to be "creative" with storing the remaining 2 storage bins of clothing, the kitchen-sized trash can (no, the room didn't come with one), the cleaning supplies (because she actually expects me to believe she'll keep her dorm room cleaner than her bedroom at home - ha!), bedding, etc.  Finally, we were off for a lovely 500+ mile drive from our house to my brother-in-law's home, where we were staying for the trip.  (He's beyond awesome to allow us to stay with him whenever we visit back east.  Considering he's single and lives alone, it's got to be a HUGE culture shock to have guests and children at his house every time.)

Saturday morning, DH, DD#1, and I headed from Stamford, CT to NYC, and I remembered why I hated driving into the city.  An approximate 45 mile drive should NOT have to take over 90 minutes.  (Another reason I love living where I do in the Midwest is that this almost never happens here unless there's a horrible accident or tons of snow... none of which were factor on Saturday in NYC.)  We were lucky to find on-street parking less than 3 blocks from the dorm.  Score!  Over two hours later, DD#1's side of the room was organized and unpacked.  (Her roommate still hasn't moved in yet but I was nice enough to clean her side of the room as well, so she doesn't have to come in to dust bunnies in the corners.)  All that remained was for a final trip to Ikea for dishes, cookware, etc.  To my dismay, DD#1 didn't want to go with us, so DH, his brother, and I went up to the one in New Haven on Sunday morning, then DH & I (and my BFF's mother) drove back down to the city afterwards.

DD#1's dorm is really in a fantastic neighborhood.  NYC's Upper East Side, on Third Avenue.  The view from her room is very nice and the building is SO cool (24 hour security, full gym, laundry facilities, fridge and microwave in every dorm room and a full kitchen on every couple of floors -- DD#1's room is about 3 rooms away from the one on her floor, etc.)  The only thing that would make it perfect is if her college or her dorm had a meal plan.  Unfortunately, the school is a small fine arts college (less than 1,000 students!) and it's not feasible for them to offer one and the dorm is used by at least 8 different colleges around the city and it would be overwhelming for them to offer one.  So, in what could be really good (or really bad, but I'm going to focus on the good) move, DD#1 is being forced to shop for groceries and cook her meals.  In theory, it will be healthier and probably cost less; however, I'm afraid she'll decide to live on a diet of Ramen noodles and "Easy Mac".

And today was the lonely drive home.  For the first time in years, DH & I were able to make the drive home in under 9 hours.  And it would have been shorter if we didn't have a side trip to my favorite Italian bakery in Port Chester, NY (a girl's gotta have her NY deli-style hard rolls and I promised DD#2's boyfriend's mother a box of Italian butter cookies) and 2 pit stops for coffee (we packed sandwiches at my brother-in-law's house, so we didn't have to eat fast food on the road.)

Coming home was great (my sister and one of her adult children stayed at our house over the weekend and babysat DD#2, 3 & 4 because they started school already and I didn't want them to miss 2 days the first week.)  My house was clean!  They even cleaned up the mess we made when, at the last minute, we had to remove some stuff that couldn't fit in the car.  Love them for that!  Actually, I'm not sure "great" is the right word.  Coming home to only 3 kids was definitely bittersweet.  DD#1 is really an adult and is living on her own, albeit in a dorm, and while I'm happy for her, I'm still sad that she doesn't need me to make sure she's going to school and doing her homework and going to bed at a reasonable time.  But watching her eat dinner on Sunday, knowing she prepared it herself, with her own groceries, using her own kitchen pots and pans and utensils really made me tear up.  Her telling me about running to the market to buy some broccoli for a snack the night before was good.  And when she told me that she found a Unitarian church (the faith she's been raised in since she was about 7 years old) near her dorm and that she's considering going to church while away at school choked me up big time, as she said she was "taking a break" from church earlier this year.

She's sweet, smart, living on her own, and grabbing life with both hands.  She's doing something that I didn't do at that age (I lived at home while going to a local university when I was her age.)  I'm proud of her!  To think I had something to do with creating and molding this amazing young woman makes me choke up... again.  This time next year is going to suck because it'll be both DD#1 and 2 going away to school.  (Might be a good time to buy stock in tissue companies.  lol)

And now I'm off to finish unpacking and doing laundry.

Good night!

Life Lessons for My (Almost) 18 Year Old Daughter

Tomorrow, DD#1 turns 18 years old and in about two months, she leaves for college in NYC.  Wow.  Just saying that sentence raises all sorts of conflicting feelings.  I’m sad she’s leaving home but happy that she’s going to her first choice college.  I’m mad that she’ll be 500 miles away from home but thrilled she will still be surrounded by family and friends.  I’m afraid that she’ll get hurt and I won’t be there but I believe in the strong, confident young woman she’s become.

I was thinking earlier what advice I could give her about going out on her own.  What could I say that would encourage and inspire her to reach for her dreams and make them a reality?  After much consideration, I came up with the following:

Every morning, think of five things you’re grateful for and remember them.  They can be something as silly as the deli always having your favorite bagel with cream cheese in the morning or as profound as knowing you have enough money to guarantee you’ll eat (and caring enough about the homeless people on the sidewalk outside the deli that you can – and do – spare a dollar for them every now and then.)

Perform one random act of kindness a day.  Maybe wait a few seconds longer and hold the door open for someone with a lot of stuff in their arms.  Perhaps send someone an email or text letting them know how much they mean to you.  Maybe buy the person in line behind you a cup of coffee.  Just send out one beautiful random act a day.  You’ll make someone else’s day a little brighter, and you’ll be amazed at how much better it makes you feel.

Eat well.  Seriously.  Don’t result on crappy take-out, especially when you live in a city with some of the world’s best restaurants.  Remember that a little taste of something amazing is much better than a lot of something “average”.

Exercise.  I know you’ll be walking everywhere but take half an hour (or more) a day and really work up a sweat.  It’ll eventually become a habit and you’ll thank me when you are in your 40s and your metabolism slows down to a snail’s pace.  (Not that I know anything about that… lol)

Relax, meditate, pray, practice yoga, whatever for 10 minutes a day.  It’ll help you manage the stress you are bound to be experiencing.

Enjoy the good weather.  Walk in the sun.  Sit out and watch the sunset.  Grab an umbrella and walk in the rain, splash in the puddles.

Don’t wait until you know who you are to get started in life.  Most people don’t figure that out until they’re too old to change.  Just jump in with both feet!

Write the book you want to read.  Don't just passively get by.  Take charge of your life and LIVE IT on your terms.

If you don’t like the way something’s going, change it.  Write your own ending.  Remember, the children almost broken by what life throws them become the adults who are most capable of changing the world.

Use your hands.  Make bread, work with clay, whatever… don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty or that you’ll chip your manicure.

If and when you are part of a relationship, remember that you don’t have to do everything together.  It’s healthy to still have those little side projects and hobbies that don’t involve your significant other.

Want to know a big secret that’ll help you get far in life?  Do good work.  Be proud of it.  Own it.  And share it with other people.

Be nice.  The world’s a pretty small place and bad reputations tend to follow people wherever they move.

It’s okay to be boring.  You’ll actually get work done and life’s pretty enjoyable without all the drama that comes with living an “exciting” life.

Get some sleep. 

Take pride in your appearance and your surroundings.  Whether we like it or not, people form opinions on you based on how you look.  Taking 5 minutes every morning to make sure your clothes aren't completely wrinkled, your hair is brushed and your face is washed helps.  Keep your workspace neat.  It’s easier to find things when they’re put back where they belong.

Learn how to say “no” and to not be everyone’s door mat.  Don’t let people walk all over you.

Laugh.  A lot.  Find the humor in bad situations.  It might make all the difference in how you handle the issue.

When confronted with a big problem, think:  Will this matter in 10 years?  1 year?  A month?  An hour?  Keep things in perspective.

Don’t waste your energy on the wrong people.  Focus on the people who make you happy and like you for being you.  Be someone’s reason to smile.  But don’t give your heart to just anyone.  It’s better to be single instead of repeatedly having your heart broken by “the wrong ones.” 

Know who you are and what you want in life, and don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve.

Remember your sisters were your first friends in life and will always be the ones who have your back.

And, most of all, remember you are loved.  You have graced my life and made it all the more wonderful these past 18 years, and I am thankful that I get to call myself your mom.  While I’m going to miss you being at the table and having to yell at you to take your headphones off or reminding you to put in your retainers before going to sleep at night, I am so excited to watch you soar.  It’s time for me to step back because, well, honey, you’ve got this.

Love,

Mom

PS:  And to quote Jason Mraz, “Just know, that wherever you go, no you’re never alone, you will always get back home.”