Amazed

Holy Cow!  First off, let me say I’m amazed.  Two really awesome Facebook groups linked to posts of mine and, well, my Facebook page more than DOUBLED our followers/”likers” in less than 24 hours!  I’m still stunned.  J

I’m also amazed, in a different way, at how fast this summer is going by.  In a little over a week, DD#1 will be back home from her 3 weeks in FL with her bio-dad.  My other 3 DD’s are all back from their week at summer camp.  Oh, and DD#1 forwarded me an email discussing her college orientation (one month from yesterday.)  How did this happen?  Weren’t we just scheduling DD#1’s high school senior portraits?  And now we’re packing her up to move… and scheduling DD#2’s high school senior portrait session and finding time to buy all the back to school stuff needed before school starts again on August 21^st.  Is there a “slow motion” button I can hit, so these next 4 weeks slow down to an absolute crawl?  I want more time with my kids.  We haven’t even been to the beach (granted, it’s been raining and/or in the low 70s for an obscene amount of time this summer) or had one of our annual outdoor picnics yet this year.  DD’s #3 & 4 haven’t had a lemonade stand yet. 

I’m also amazed (in a bad way) at how much I’ve spent on my car this summer.  Without going into too much detail, what started off as needing new wheel bearings lead to needing a new (rebuilt) transmission which lead to needing a new (rebuilt) engine.  I’m so sick of feeling like we’re hemorrhaging cash. 

And now I’m amazed that tonight is the first night of DD#3’s cheerleading practices for the fall season.  Whoa!  There go my weeknights for the next month and my weekends until October.  I love that she loves doing it, and that DD#2 is her squad’s junior advisor, but it does take up a bit of time and it’s yet another reminder that school is starting in 3 weeks… and DD#1 moves away to college in 4 weeks… and that I’m getting older.

*sigh*

I should be happy, as I LOVE early fall.  It’s my favorite time of the year.  Seriously.  I love when it starts getting chilly enough to wear a sweater and I can pull tights and my favorite boots out of the closet.  When I can make a huge batch of beef stew or chili and it won’t cause the A/C to kick on in the house.  When I don’t have to shave my legs every damned day.  (Hey, just being honest!) 

Oh well, life goes on.  Gotta learn to relax and enjoy.  And now I’m off to cheerleading.  Catch you all later!

Rock Bottom (An extremely personal and hard post to write)

I was debating on ever actually writing this post but, well, I guess it's all pretty common knowledge (to those who know me in person, that is.)  Today is my 7 year "sober-versary."  For those who don't know, your "sober-versary" is the anniversary of the day you get clean and sober.  In my case, I'm a recovering binge alcoholic.  Actually, I'm a major depressive (and a whole bunch other things) who used alcohol (plus my prescription medications) to self-medicate.  Seven years ago tonight, I was at the absolute bottom in terms of my life.  I had to look up to see grass and dirt, I was that far down.  I was in the middle of a major depressive cycle and it came around fast.  In less than 4 weeks, I went from being my usual self to being someone I didn't recognize and, honestly, someone I didn't like.  I thought life really wasn't worth living and planned out yet another suicide attempt (I've lost count of how many times I had tried in the past.)  This time, though, I was hell-bent on not getting caught ahead of time.  I spent those last 4 weeks to plan and to make sure I appeared as "normal" as possible, so my loved ones wouldn't figure out something was wrong and interfere.

Well, June 29th arrived and I knew this was going to be it.  DH and I had plans to go out with a bunch of friends (we were celebrating the publishing of a friend of mine's book), my oldest 2 DD's were away at summer camp, and my oldest niece was babysitting the younger 2.  DH and I went out and I intentionally had way too much drink, went home after that lovely evening, and swallowed half a month's prescription of Oxycodone, left over from when I had my tubes tied after DD#4 was born 7 months before.  Long story short, DH realized something was wrong when I wouldn't answer his knock on our bathroom door and I ended up in the hospital, enduring 2 rounds of that nasty charcoal slushy stuff, and finding out I had a .42 BAC.  Because of my background and the fact it was a rather serious attempt, I spent a week (involuntarily at first) getting "help".  During that time, I realized that I came from a long line of depressive alcoholics (my father, in particular) and if I didn't want to end up like him (emotionally detached from loved ones and dead of a heart attack at 53), well, I had some work to do.  I used that week to detox from alcohol, accept the fact I am a binger, and that I needed a lot more psychiatric care than I ever thought possible.  With the help of an amazing therapist (and a psychiatrist who loved to write prescriptions - let's just say that I was more than happy to replace her) and an unbelievably loving husband, I was able to pull through.  I learned that, while I could say "no" to the first drink with no problem, being unable to say "no" to drinks #2, 3, 4, ... 10 was a problem.  I chose to get sober. I had to face my demons without my trusty vodka shots and Scotch on the rocks with a beer chaser.  But I faced them.  And they were scary.  And horrible.  And terrifying.  But I did it.  And you know what?  I survived.

If I had succeeded 7 years ago, I would never have seen so many wonderful things.  Like DD#1 graduating from high school and heading off to start her life as an amazing young adult, DD#2 being the ONLY girl in her PSEO construction management program (and seriously kicking butt, at that!), DD#3 going from being a toddler to being a tween-age carbon copy of my late mother, DD#4 growing from an infant to a really cool and amazing 7 year old, and DH being his usual wonderful self (and quitting smoking, which was HUGE for him!)  I would have missed out on so much good that it makes me feel guilty.  Then I remember that I have major depressive disorder and I really can't control how or when it's going to hit me, and that isn't my fault.  My brain is wired a little different than others and I have to work a little harder to be "normal" (or as close to normal as I'm willing to get.  lol)

While I would love to celebrate such a bittersweet day with a nice glass of pinot grigio, I know I'm not able to just enjoy one glass and it's just not worth it.  So I'll settle for a scoop of sea salt caramel gelato and a glass of Diet Pepsi and enjoy the fact that I'm here.  I may not be perfect and I may still have lots of issues to work though, but I'm here and I'm not alone.  I have DH, the girls, my friends and my family to keep me going.  And that's all I really need.  I need to believe that tomorrow's going to be better than the day before if only because I'm still here.  And despite what that nasty bitch "depression" tells me, I mean a whole lot to a lot of people and that I'm needed and loved.  Some days are better than others, naturally, but it's okay.  I'm going to get through it.

Here's to us survivors.  It gets better.

Mary

Life Lessons for My (Almost) 18 Year Old Daughter

Tomorrow, DD#1 turns 18 years old and in about two months, she leaves for college in NYC.  Wow.  Just saying that sentence raises all sorts of conflicting feelings.  I’m sad she’s leaving home but happy that she’s going to her first choice college.  I’m mad that she’ll be 500 miles away from home but thrilled she will still be surrounded by family and friends.  I’m afraid that she’ll get hurt and I won’t be there but I believe in the strong, confident young woman she’s become.

I was thinking earlier what advice I could give her about going out on her own.  What could I say that would encourage and inspire her to reach for her dreams and make them a reality?  After much consideration, I came up with the following:

Every morning, think of five things you’re grateful for and remember them.  They can be something as silly as the deli always having your favorite bagel with cream cheese in the morning or as profound as knowing you have enough money to guarantee you’ll eat (and caring enough about the homeless people on the sidewalk outside the deli that you can – and do – spare a dollar for them every now and then.)

Perform one random act of kindness a day.  Maybe wait a few seconds longer and hold the door open for someone with a lot of stuff in their arms.  Perhaps send someone an email or text letting them know how much they mean to you.  Maybe buy the person in line behind you a cup of coffee.  Just send out one beautiful random act a day.  You’ll make someone else’s day a little brighter, and you’ll be amazed at how much better it makes you feel.

Eat well.  Seriously.  Don’t result on crappy take-out, especially when you live in a city with some of the world’s best restaurants.  Remember that a little taste of something amazing is much better than a lot of something “average”.

Exercise.  I know you’ll be walking everywhere but take half an hour (or more) a day and really work up a sweat.  It’ll eventually become a habit and you’ll thank me when you are in your 40s and your metabolism slows down to a snail’s pace.  (Not that I know anything about that… lol)

Relax, meditate, pray, practice yoga, whatever for 10 minutes a day.  It’ll help you manage the stress you are bound to be experiencing.

Enjoy the good weather.  Walk in the sun.  Sit out and watch the sunset.  Grab an umbrella and walk in the rain, splash in the puddles.

Don’t wait until you know who you are to get started in life.  Most people don’t figure that out until they’re too old to change.  Just jump in with both feet!

Write the book you want to read.  Don't just passively get by.  Take charge of your life and LIVE IT on your terms.

If you don’t like the way something’s going, change it.  Write your own ending.  Remember, the children almost broken by what life throws them become the adults who are most capable of changing the world.

Use your hands.  Make bread, work with clay, whatever… don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty or that you’ll chip your manicure.

If and when you are part of a relationship, remember that you don’t have to do everything together.  It’s healthy to still have those little side projects and hobbies that don’t involve your significant other.

Want to know a big secret that’ll help you get far in life?  Do good work.  Be proud of it.  Own it.  And share it with other people.

Be nice.  The world’s a pretty small place and bad reputations tend to follow people wherever they move.

It’s okay to be boring.  You’ll actually get work done and life’s pretty enjoyable without all the drama that comes with living an “exciting” life.

Get some sleep. 

Take pride in your appearance and your surroundings.  Whether we like it or not, people form opinions on you based on how you look.  Taking 5 minutes every morning to make sure your clothes aren't completely wrinkled, your hair is brushed and your face is washed helps.  Keep your workspace neat.  It’s easier to find things when they’re put back where they belong.

Learn how to say “no” and to not be everyone’s door mat.  Don’t let people walk all over you.

Laugh.  A lot.  Find the humor in bad situations.  It might make all the difference in how you handle the issue.

When confronted with a big problem, think:  Will this matter in 10 years?  1 year?  A month?  An hour?  Keep things in perspective.

Don’t waste your energy on the wrong people.  Focus on the people who make you happy and like you for being you.  Be someone’s reason to smile.  But don’t give your heart to just anyone.  It’s better to be single instead of repeatedly having your heart broken by “the wrong ones.” 

Know who you are and what you want in life, and don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve.

Remember your sisters were your first friends in life and will always be the ones who have your back.

And, most of all, remember you are loved.  You have graced my life and made it all the more wonderful these past 18 years, and I am thankful that I get to call myself your mom.  While I’m going to miss you being at the table and having to yell at you to take your headphones off or reminding you to put in your retainers before going to sleep at night, I am so excited to watch you soar.  It’s time for me to step back because, well, honey, you’ve got this.

Love,

Mom

PS:  And to quote Jason Mraz, “Just know, that wherever you go, no you’re never alone, you will always get back home.”