Musings on Daughters Growing Up

Walking with DD#4 the other day, I went to grasp her hand while crossing a parking lot. In that moment, I realized how she no longer has "little girl" hands and that she is no longer my "little girl", that she's 9-1/2 years old and that she is growing up. I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

I think I'm going to miss the "little girl" stage of my kids' development the most. This is when it's still okay to hold Mom's hand, bedtime snuggles are required (to ward off bad dreams), and they're not embarrassed to hug and/or kiss Mom in public. They start showing some independence... but still need Mom nearby "just in case." Where they can't wait to tell you everything they did during the day and are proud to read a bedtime story to you, instead of just letting you read to them. The only clothing battles are when they want to wear capri pants when it's snowing outside or when they insist on wearing the same pair of black leather "motorcycle" boots every day, no matter how warm outside. (Our current battle - lol.)

The next stage, where DD#3 is securely ensconced, is "pre-teen girl". It's a source of mood swings, eye rolls if Mom even tries to hold their hand, battles over why I refuse to buy her ripped jeans or tops with skinny spaghetti straps (because they won't pass the school's dress codes), or how it's the *end of the world* because I still won't let my almost 12 year old have a Facebook account even though "EVERYONE ELSE at school has one."

Oh, don't get me wrong. This stage still needs Mom but mainly it's because she needs help with her unruly wavy hair or she needs a ride to after-school activities or a shoulder to cry on when she's feeling left out because two of her friends hung out without her. But it's not as needy as the "little girl" stage.

This is the stage where independence starts showing up. I mean, it's not as bad as "teen girl" stage, where you really have to learn to pick your battles, nor as bad as "young adult woman" stage (DD#1 and #2 are here), where you bite your tongue, hope that you raised them right and that they'll use the moral compass you helped them develop to make the right choices. And if they don't? Well, you have to be there, NOT say "I told you so!", help them pick up the pieces and muddle through. However, no matter how much you want to, you can't be the one to "fix" their problems. They have to do the fixing by themselves.

And that, my friends, is the hardest part of parenting for me. Recognizing that, even though I will always see them as those tiny little bundles of joy and wonder brought home from the hospital all those years ago, they are independent young women. That they are now independent, capable, strong, smart, fierce young women. (And sitting in disbelief that I actually had something to do with that!)

In addition to dealing with the end of "little girl" years and DD#3's "pre-teen girl" issues, I also have DD#1 finishing up her second year of college and DD#2 her first year. DD#2 just returned from her first vacation with her boyfriend and his family (they're been dating almost 3 years now) and she's working full time for the summer. This weekend, DD#1 will be leaving to spend the entire summer with her bio-dad (my ex-husband) approx. 1,500 miles away.

In June, DD#3 & #4 will be away for a week of sleep-away summer camp. That will be the first time in a VERY long time that I'll be completely child-free (DD#2 will be working and spending every free moment with her boyfriend, while she contemplates transferring to a school halfway across the country, away from us and him.)

It'll be as close to an "empty nest" as I've had in the almost 20 years since I've become a parent. I'm not sure what to do. I mean, it'll be nice having time alone with DH (and the dog) but not having to make breakfasts or pack lunches for anyone other than us. Not having to play "Mom Taxi" for a week. It being okay if I don't want to cook dinner and, instead, have a bowl of oatmeal with a piece of fruit. While I'm thinking about it, what *do* people my age do, when they don't have kids under foot?

I'm sure I'm going to miss the chaos that is my normal, everyday life. I'm thinking that that particular week will be a sneak-peek of what my life will evolve into in about 9 years, when DD#4 starts college, DD#3 will be a senior in college, DD#2 and DD#1 will (hopefully) both be on their own and not living with Mom and Dad. (Yes, I know DD#1 is an art major and there's a pretty good chance that she may still be living with us. But let me just "go" with this one, okay? lol) We're in the single digit years until all this happens and that is a scary thought.

In the meantime, I'm going to check up on my sleeping little girls and my older girls, who are just hanging out and getting ready for sleep. Soon enough, I won't be able to do this with as much ease as today, when I can just walk down the hall to their rooms. I'm going to enjoy this while I can.

Simplify

Nine years ago this month, DH and I made the decision to move from the suburbs of NYC to the suburbs of Cleveland.  We just decided that we could not afford (financially, spiritually, mentally) to live the life we wanted in that part of the country.  For the “perk” of being able to say we lived in Greenwich, CT (our hometown, actually), we would have to continue working an obscene number of hours (in my case, it was anywhere between 50 and 70 hours a week at “salary” – a/k/a no paid overtime), never seeing each other as our work schedules didn’t completely mesh,  and just not having the time/energy/money to do anything on the days we both were off from work.  Plus the kids were either at school or with the nanny.  They definitely weren’t having fun.

So we decided, "Let's move to a different area!"  An area where I could (and did) take several years off from work and raise our kids.  An area where DH could putter around in the garden and enjoy the property we had.  (Did I mention that our previous back and front yards put together were smaller than our current house’s front yard?)  An area where our kids would end up with friends all over the block.  The town we picked, Mentor, was chosen because my father’s company had transferred my family out there for several years when I was growing up and I “knew” the area.  It’s actually still a surprise at how fast it all came together.  We bought the second house we saw on our first trip out here, and closed on it in less than 8 weeks.  We decided our family needed a simpler, more relaxed lifestyle and living here was going to do that for us.  I even bought a rustic rectangular painting of the word “Simplify” for our new home, to remind me (and us) that we were going to simplify our lives.

DH and DD’s #1, 2, and 3 (#4 wasn’t born yet) adjusted almost immediately.  Me?  The one who actually spent a good chunk of my childhood here, it took a while longer.  I began to miss being able to hop a train and be in NYC in 45 minutes, even though I hated working there.  I missed the ocean, even though I hardly went to the beach for fear of yet another horrid sunburn.  I missed good bagels, hard rolls, pizza, and being able to find a 24 hour deli or diner every couple of blocks, even though it had been years since I had a 3:00am breakfast after a crazy night out with friends.

While I truly enjoyed being home with my kids, it took a long period of adjustment for me to get to that point.  I have worked since three days after my 16^th birthday.  The longest periods I had taken off were maternity leaves after having DD’s #1, 2, and 3.  Heck, I even worked from home (with an “at the time state of the art” 14.4 baud modem!) after having DD #1!  I didn’t know what to do with myself.  I threw myself into volunteering (school, Girl Scouts, church, etc.), Gymboree, and hosting “craft days” on days off from school with a huge slew of neighborhood kids (which I TOTALLY loved -and miss- doing!)  DH came home every night to a nice dinner, a fairly organized home, and happy kids.  But not a happy wife.  Why?  What happened to “simplify”?  What about all those articles and books I read, toting how amazing a simpler life would and could be?  My life was perfect… and I still wasn’t happy.  Why, indeed?

After several years of therapy (I have major depressive disorder and a bunch of other issues that I won’t bore you with… today), I realized that I somehow tied my feeling of worth to receiving a paycheck.  WTF?!?  I was doing the most important job of my life, tending to my family, and I was having trouble finding worth in it?  What was wrong with me?  My therapist encouraged me to go back to work and, quite frankly, not only did I need to work for an emotional level, we were really hitting the point where I had to, from a financial level, as well.  (I have always been the primary breadwinner and, lucky me, DH doesn’t have a problem with that!)  Unfortunately, after being home for a couple of years, plus my “network” was 500 miles away, it wasn’t that easy.  I couldn't even get an interview with Macy's because my college education made me "too qualified".  Eventually, though, I lucked into an amazing job that actually WANTS me to have a healthy work/life balance.  One that understands I have priorities outside of the four walls of my office.  By taking a step back and sideways, careerwise, I could get "me" back.  And even though I may get stressed and annoyed by work (like this week, where I’m covering for another co-worker and having to do two jobs when all I want to do is be home with my kids, since DD#1 returned home last night!), I’m grateful for it. 

So how does “simplify” fit into all this?  Easy.  By cutting my workload in half and getting away from a fairly toxic lifestyle, DH and I have had the best years of our marriage.  My kids get to see me and have a less exhausted and very happy mom.  I get to enjoy being able to put the brakes on life and enjoy.  Like Ferris said in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, “Life moves pretty fast.  If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”  That, in my mind, is the definition of “simplify.”  Stopping to smell the roses… and maybe pick one or two to enjoy later.

Now I’m going to have lunch with one of my wonderful coworkers and enjoy my beautiful, simple life.

Cheers!

Mary

PS:  Did you know that Zabar’s ships via UPS?  And that hard rolls from Neri’s (Port Chester, NY) freeze rather well, so you can bring home several dozen each trip back east, to enjoy at your leisure?  Oh, and that Mentor has a really good Italian import store (Verdi’s) with fantastic sausage & pepper wedges… uh, I mean “subs”?  (No one outside of the metro NYC area seems to know what a wedge is.  *sigh*)  Life is simply better here.